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In talking about myself, from a autobiographical point of view, it is very difficult to separate my own workings and Jesus, so I will not attempt to do so. Looking back on my life I seem to make sense of it by seeing the different patterns and changes that I go through. Within each struggle and hardship that I experienced whether it be a divorced family, instability of education, lack of companions, physical obesity, poor manners, and what not- I see all of it as a vintage point where the workmanship of God develops. I suppose you can say the pattern of my life is a transformation from the bad and ugly to the good and beautiful. I say this in the least conceited and egotistical manner possible, but rather in a thankful and optimistic attitude, if you may.
In the following passage is a letter that I wrote to my father Frank Tsang regarding my decision in buying a car. I can’t think of a better example of Gods doing in my life than what this letter exemplifies. The letter took place after an agreement between my father and I on the terms that if I receive a 3.0 or better in college he would buy me a 30-40 thousand dollar car, which is equivalent to approximately $122,5000 NT. And after the first quarter of college receiving my first set of grades this is what I wrote to him.
To my dearest Father, Frank Tsang, December, 8, 2003:
Life has been good for me, and God has been good to me. I have grown and learned quite a lot since I left Taiwan. During my high school years I have learned to discipline my body into shape, control my spending, manage time, influence those around me, speak in public settings, and to study like a nerd. And now being here in University of California Riverside, things have been going great as well. Living here is almost like being on a vocation which is going to last 4 years. [And life now in the apartments is infinitely better than that of the dorms]. My dorm is very similar to a fancy hotel with a five star cleaning service, and the food here is similar to those in Las Vegas. Each time I think I have rested enough and that its time to pack up to go home, I realize that, hey this is my home! My life now consist mostly of school, church, old friends, new friends, and my family in Cerritos. I don’t have much worries, but I am equipping myself with many talents and abilities that I would not be able to get later in life. I am learning how to write better, read faster, expand my vocabulary, and heighten my knowledge in Christ. Now this brings me to the reason why I’m writing this paper to you.
I am writing to you concerning my academic career, which I’m sure you and the rest of my family in Taiwan is eager to find out. I have just finished two of my finals today and I have yet to complete two more in the short week to come. Through these ten weeks of my studies here in UCR, I have concluded that it would not be a very difficult deal to receive three As per quarter or to get above a 3.5 GPA. [GPA is grade point average which means it is the average of all your grades, 4.0 being perfect and zero being nothing]. I am for sure to receive two As in my Philosophy class and Major American Writers class, and my Political science class and English class is between B+ and A. Yes, I did after all take your advice and took four classes instead of three, and I found you to be right once again. Next quarter I will add an additional seminar to my four classes because I am still sleeping too much. [I ended up taking 5 classes and a seminar and passed all of it with flying colors, and now my GPA is 3.65 with a upper division GPA of 4.0]. Life is still to much a breeze; I feel like I’m wasting your money if I don’t take more classes. And through these ten weeks here in College I have discovered a principle that have forever changed my life.
I wake up each day with a big smile, exited about life, and go to bed each night with another smile anxious for the next day to arrive quickly. And one day I asked myself why do I love life so much, or what is it that is different about me that I can be so optimistic about life and not be burdened about my studies. And I answered myself saying “Joe you are happy about life because you have found a reason to die for; which ultimately gives you a beautiful reason to live for. You have found Jesus Christ as your savior and you live now, guilt free, being able to walk toward the destiny you were meant to fulfill. You do not worry about life and study’s as other people do because you know you can only do your best, and the whole Tsang family and angelic realm are here to back you up.”
“Do your best?” What does that mean? I always thought that to be some sort of excuse for swimmers or baseball players when they lose, because that’s what they say, and then they frown and walk away in shame. But that’s not the essence of it at all, in fact, it is completely opposite of that. It is not an excuse for me when I fail, but it is the driving force that leads me to success. I remind myself in my prayers each day, if you may, that I do not seek to be better; I seek to be the best. The best to my talents and limits, the best physically, mentally, and spiritually. And all I can do is my best, I can give nothing more, and certainly nothing less. It is my obligation as the son of Frank Tsang, to carry out the family prestige and to live life to the fullest, passing on the life blood. And it is also my obligation as the son of God to live as Christ did, bringing people to God and to develop my self character like God‘s. I had no choice in the matter to be born into the Tsang family and no choice in Jesus dying for me. Therefore it is my obligation to fulfill these two roles and to carry on living to the best of my credentials.
Therefore, my father, it is not anymore, the prize which you have set before me that drives me to success, but it is the responsibility of I AM ; to live and to be the best. [I AM is what God called himself, so it is like his name I suppose] Although, the prize of a $35,000 car is very tempting and a very good way to motivate a kid to drive for grades; I no longer need it as the carrot before the rabbit. I can live quite well with a $20,000 car just as well I can live with a $60,000 dollar car. The fact that it runs and has the basic luxury is good enough for me. And either way I know that I have to do my best whether or not I get a fancy car or just a normal one. However, that is not the primary reason why I don’t want a fancy car, that is just a necessary issue of not having to have a fancy car.
The fact of the matter is that ever since I had that giant carrot in front of my face, my head seemed to be blowded beyond any hot air balloon. Every time I walk pass a parking lot, or when I’m stuck in traffic, my eye seems to wonder from one vehicle to another, comparing the looks and the costs. If I see a fancy red sporty car I would desire it, picture myself in it, cruising by the beach with the top down. And if I see a brown 94 Toyota mini-van I would chuckle and say that I can drive better. I would go about comparing one car to another and mentally calculating the prices of each vehicle and trying to come to the perfect car for me. I have came up with some of these cars: Supra by Toyota, Infinity G35, Lexus G300, Ford Mustang, Chevrolet M300, and seven a BMW C class.
Then one day I was reasoning with myself, of the real reason why I wanted a fancy car so badly. What is it that makes me want to drive in that fancy car with everyone looking at me? It was pride. It was pride in the fact that I am better. It was to show that I am better then the person that’s driving behind me, better than the person in front of me, and better then the people around me. And if there is anything, dad, you should know that I do not think I’m better. I know myself to be a slum, a TV addict, a perverted stocker, and someone with no life playing with magic cards all day; before I found Christ that is. So all that attention of being better is just on the outer shell of who I really am, and that hypocrisy will hunt me for life. That’s why I don’t want a really fancy car, not because I think fancy cars are bad, but because there is this thing that is within me called pride that I wont allow myself to have.
This pride is not family pride, as you once called it, it is not this warm fussy feeling of being proud of my family’s income and its ability to afford to give me this luxurious car. I have that family pride, in the way I logically reason like my father, perfectionist morals like my little aunty, child caring like my big aunty, philosophical reasoning like my uncle, creative writing like my grandpa, and people skills like my grandma. God knows how much I love this family and admire it. I learned to appreciate where I came from to know where I am going. I have this family pride, and it burns brightly within me. However, this pride about the cars is not centered on my family, but on me. When I see those cars I don’t think of anything else but myself driving in it, and that pride is a sin unbearable. I know that if I start with the car I would get the watch, clothes, house, and everything that would exalt me to be better than the person standing next to me. I would be this arrogant prideful young man who thinks he is all that walking around with my chin pointed to the sky and glaring everyone alive with my nostrils. There is no sin that doesn’t’t lead to death, all sin is a blasphemy against God, and since I am the son of God I will not suffer to blasphemy the name of my Father in heaven nor my father on earth.
Don’t worry about me being not happy dad. I was happy when I lived in a garage (without a home), I was happy when I used Rolla blades to go to school (not having any form of transportation), I was happy when I only had one pare of pants (bare necessity of clothing), and I will be happy when I get a car; not necessarily a fancy car, but a good car. I have too many things to be thankful for and too little to complain about, my life is great and I will live it to the fullest.
I know that it would be pleasing for you to reward me of my hard labor in school, and there is nothing wrong with me enjoying the fruits of my labor. But, as I said before, I could easily enjoy a $10,000 car then a $80,000 I have learned to be satisfied with what I am given and not to pursue for more. I am deeply moved by your affection toward me and your fatherly love is felt greatly. All I am saying is that there could be other ways to spend the extra $10,000 as to boost up my vehicle into a glamorous running machine. I would also like for you to know that the ability to drive which you taught me will stay with me longer then any car which I would actually drive. And furthermore the life which you have given me is priceless and I can not be thankful enough. My reward rests in your hands, and I would respect any thing you like to give me. But as for now, I have to crucify the pride that’s with in me, and I have to do it with all the strength I have.
Again I will point out that I do not seek to be better, but the best of my abilities. It is not comparing myself to anyone, but focusing on my abilities and raising my standards. This is not pride, this is being a good steward to what God has allotted me. I will continue to strive in school, not because of my prize, but because it is my duty. Dad, you can buy me a car that has 500 horse power, but I will still be on the ground. I was born to fly, and no vehicle can take me there. I will rise on eagles wings and I will soar with Christ (speaking on spiritual terms). Life is good dad; life now, is very good.
Joseph Tsang |
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